Ash and I decided that it would be best to enroll Kash into all day kindergarten. Not just to help her, but to help him in not always seeing her on her down days. We think that this will be easier for him to keep busy and keep his mind off of worrying. He is such a sweet, but tough kid! I went down to wake him up and never have I seen him so excited to go to school. He hopped out of bed and already had his clothes laid out and ready to go. I am not even sure why, maybe it was because he was able to get up with his older brothers and go with them. He looks up to them so much. We had a good morning and were as quiet as we could be so Ash could sleep. Today Ash was weak, nauseated and slept a lot. She seemed to gain a little more strength as the day progressed. I am so glad that her Mom is down here to help out. Speaking of helping…Ash and I are so thankful, grateful and overwhelmed with the support that surrounds us. It helps to know that so many people are here for us. It gives us strength. Just the little things like prayers, taking my kids to do Valentines boxes, bringing us fruit, letters, my CrossFit family showing their support by wearing those awesome Team Ashley shirts. Thank you all!!! – We are stronger because of all your prayers and support!
Archive for January, 2012
So, today I think I am seeing the effects of the red devil. Ash was unable to get out of bed today. I hate seeing her this way. If this chemo has a routine, then it looks like it has a two day delay.
The kids and I got ready and headed to church. It was strange being there without her. I could not stop thinking about being back home with her. I felt guilty. After sacrament meeting I went back home to check on her. She was still sleeping. I spent the hour just running my fingers through her hair, she loves this. I know that the day is right around the corner where she will loose her hair, so I want to take advantage of it as long as she has it.
It’s cool how prayer works. At church today I could feel the spirit so strongly. As I came home It was just as strong. I know that its because of all the people that are praying and fasting for her. Thanks to every one that continues to support us in this battle. We could not do it without you.
We want to try and keep this blog updated as much as possible, even daily if we can. SO, that is why you will see Ash and I both writing. I know there will be times when she does not have the strength to write at the end of the day and today I can definitely see the effects of chemo. Ash has some low energy tonight and its a struggle for her to stay awake. She did have the strength to go to Kaiger and Kaeson’s basketball games today. I was glad she was able to go.
The word Chemo has always been so scary to me. I have imagined what it was like for “those” people who had to get chemotherapy at different times in my life. Well, I became one of those people and it was my turn. In a matter of two days, I went from getting a mastectomy, where I would lose a part of myself, but still would be able to have about a month to come to terms with the whole chemotherapy idea, as well as the idea of losing my hair; to getting a port placed in my chest and then my first dose of chemo treatment today. What a crazy few days I’ve had and it doesn’t look to be lightening up at all.
I had Chad by my side, as well as my mother, who will be my backup when Chad needs a break. We were walked back into a quiet and calm area where only one seat was occupied by a very old man, who for some reason has his hair. I picked the very back corner which seemed more private, even though there wasn’t another sole there to be worried about at the time. I wanted to stay hidden because I thought people would be able to tag me as the “new” victim, my hair would be what would rat me out. Kacey W. did my hair this morning because I couldn’t raise my arm, so you know I was looking “Hot”. I told her I wanted to make all the other people jealous, even if it would only be for one week! HaHa
As the room gradually filled up and people arrived, I did get the occasional looks of “Oh, we’ve got a new one people.” Everyone was so old and pretty much kept to themselves. I don’t fit in here I thought to myself, I just don’t fit in. I sat in my little corner watching Chad go in and out of sleep on my right side and my mother reclined out in her chair playing Words With Friends on my left. I couldn’t relax enough to do anything but watch the drips of poison go one by one into my body. All I could think about was what I hoped this poison would do for me, yet fearing for the rest of my body that has to deal with the crap too. I know I’m strong, but am I really strong enough to do this? At one point, my nurse came to me all decked out in a protective gear, gloves, mask and all with two red, very large syringes. She says this is called “Devils Juice”, we are required to protect ourselves. Boy that sure makes you feel good about what your putting in your body, doesn’t it?
Our 3-hour treatment turned into 4 1/2 hours with the addition of some new medicine that the doc really wants me to have, yet the FDA took it off the market in November called ” it will give me an 11% higher chance of survival and he wants as much as 1%. He also gave me the news that they have now classified my “unusual” case a Stage 4 instead of the initial 3 in light of the new developments. I asked him my prognosis now and he just looked at me and said…..”Well, all I can say right now is that we are in this to cure it.” So, I didn’t get what I was hoping for in words like I know you can beat this and you will, but I’ll take the fact that he’s in this fight with me to cure me and allow me to stay here in this world with the people that I love.