So I know I am horrible at keeping everyone up to date on my progress and I apologize.  I like to go in order of events and I figured if I keep that same thought I will never catch up.  So, I’m jumping ahead to today and will go back and fill in later.

As most are aware I hit a MAJOR milestone today on my journey.  I completed my 8th and FINAL round of chemotherapy.  I’ve been looking forward to this day Ummm, well since January 12th.  To be honest, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it mentally nor physically to this point.  But I have.  As this week approached, I found myself getting excited and couldn’t wait for today to arrive.  The quicker it came, the faster I could recover and look forward to preparing myself and my body for the next step in my recovery.  I told the nurses two weeks ago that my final treatment was going to be a celebration for me.  I let these sweet ladies know that although I thought they were pretty neat, I didn’t belong in “their” chemo room and it was time for me to get the golden ticket and move on.  After all, the other “members” are nearly twice my age and since I didn’t sport a cane nor hearing aids and I opted to shower everyday, I didn’t feel like I fit in all that well.

On Thursday after celebrating one of my friends birthdays and just letting loose before my treatment, we went to Twenty Five Main to buy some of their delightful cupcakes for my celebration in the morning.  Chad thought I was nuts to be sharing sugar to those who are fighting cancer, but I didn’t care.  I was also given these beautiful flowers from Christina and Kelly, two sisters who have both battled and won against cancer.  It made my day.  I knew Friday couldn’t happen without me wearing the brightest yellow shirt out on the market.  You all know what yellow signifies and it was a must for such a special occasion.

After a restless night of night sweats and tossing and turning, morning arrived and I couldn’t wait to get out the door.  Usually, I drag my feet on Friday mornings.  I find myself doing piddly things that could wait just to avoid the whole process.  I don’t think up until today that I have made it to chemo on time, not even once.   I usually roll in roughly around 30 to 45 minutes late.  Well, not today.  I left my house a mess, dishes in the sink, my mother in a disarray and walked right out the door.  Didn’t stop for breakfast either.  I wanted this day to begin so it could get over just as quickly!!  As they took my blood pressure this morning, it showed what I was feeling inside too.  It was the worst recording EVER to date.  I’ve usually been really good staying in the 120′s over 70′s, but not today.  I was 146/86!!  Oops

I walked back to the room with my boxes of cupcakes in tow, received my rock hard and paper thin thing they call a pillow and was excited to see that “MY” chair was empty today!  You seen, two weeks ago it was taken and I was not too happy camper.  I’m the veteran there, not the newby anymore, and somebody was in my chair.  I thought about putting my name on it when I left that day, but didn’t want to disturb the patient.  But seriously, they should have asked if that chair was especially for someone before just taking it over.  Seriously people……manners!

I sent Chad out to grab us some breakfast and within minutes I was hooked up for the last time and the poison began to flow through my body.  I am often asked what it feels like and to be honest, you can’t really feel it going through you, but at the same time you can.  You sit silently and very slowly you can feel something weird and small subtle changes occur.  Since we switched over to the Taxol regime, they added a heaping dose of Benadryl to the combination and it affects me mid-sentence sometimes.  About an hour into the process, I just can’t keep my eyes open any longer and usually check out for a few hours, which is nice to pass the time away since I’m there for nearly 5.5 hours.  However, I wasn’t going to drop off without first handing out the cupcakes.  I want you all to know that I DID NOT partake of the temptation being offered by myself.  Heck no was I going to eat that sugar filled cupcake after going through 8 stinkin’ rounds of chemotherapy.  But the other foolish folks sure did!!!!  haha  Every last one of them decided to partake and they loved every minute of it.  I was happy to make them smile, which made me smile, and that was good enough for me.  I told them it was my going away party and my wish was to never see any of them again in the same setting again.  I would love to visit with them while waiting ridiculous hours at the pharmacy in Walmart, but never again in the “chemo” setting.  There is a sense of smell there that will forever haunt me I’m afraid.

My usual nap was interrupted several times by the nurses asking me my name and date of birth for each new medication and I was getting a little peeved.  Seriously…..one time I said, you know it, why don’t you tell me!  lol  But one interruption was a welcomed one to say the least.  My oncologist, Dr. R, showed up, woke me up and said I have some important news that I need to discuss with you.  He sat down next to me and my heart sank.  I looked at Chad and just knew it was bad news because that’s all I’ve ever gotten since the beginning. 

Going off track for a sec so you understand my thoughts…..The last two weeks have been a little stressful.  I was told on my last visit that my CEA (cancer marker) was elevated for colon cancer.  Yes, you read that right.  Freaking colon cancer!!!  When he told me that, I was like…….what the crap, are you serious???  He said, don’t be alarmed yet…..we will redo the test in two weeks and then go from there.  Don’t be alarmed……..then maybe you shouldn’t have said anything until you knew for sure my friend.  Anyway, in a weird way, an additional diagnosis like this wouldn’t be all that surprising.  For years I have had problems with my intestines and have avoided going to the doctor for it.  After all, who wants anybody other than yourself, prowling around or sticking foreign items in an area that is an EXIT area only!!  Thanks, but no thanks.  Issues got worse when I began chemotherapy in January.  I was told to get lots and lots of stool softeners because constipation was one side effect that most people experienced.  I told Dr. R of my irritable bowel problems that I’ve experienced for years and he thought maybe the chemo might even things out a little for me. Wanting to be prepared, I went to Costco and bought, in bulk, stool softeners.  Lets just say, those stool softeners are still in their original packaging.  Instead, this is what I can’t keep in stock………talk about a scientific experiment that I do to myself several times a day!  Nothing has been more horrible during this whole experience.  The only positive point is here is this issue is where my weight loss comes from!

So back my point, I was prepared to actually hear to final words of…you indeed have colon cancer Mrs. Baird.  I sat up in my chair, tried to get some juice flowing in my eyes because they were so dry, and took a bigger than normal deep breath.   Dr. R was holding a letter which he said he had just received and wanted to share with me regarding my some testing.  Now they did all of these tests at the beginning of January and that is when I received my diagnosis of Triple Negative Breast Cancer.  My ER/PR were both negative (which means my body is NOT responsive to the natural hormones estrogen and progesterone) and negative on the HER2 factors as well, giving me the diagnosis of the rare Triple Negative Cancer.  My genetic test BRCA was also negative, which was a positive finding.  In a nut shell, this meant that my cancer DOES NOT respond to several of the cancer fighting drugs available because I tested negative for them all.  My only option for fighting is chemotherapy.  About half of those with TN cancer respond to chemotherapy and half do not.  This is why my last PET scan in March that showed the tumors shrinking was such a sigh of relief and cause for celebration.  We knew I was in the group where chemo works!  This pain and suffering was not all going to be in vain!!  However, the bad part is after chemotherapy is completed (8 rounds is tops) you are sort of sent on your way and we all cross our fingers and pray.  This is also why there is such a high recurrence of the cancer coming back.  Those with TN have about a 70% chance of the cancer returning because there is so little that works in fighting and then preventing.

Over the past four months, I have come to terms with this reality and the fact that I was planning on having a round two and even possibly a round three with this disease.  Last Monday, I told my general surgeon that I was completely fine without doing any reconstruction on my breasts after surgery at the end of May.  I figured why bother fixing things up if I had such a high probability of this beast coming back within the next two years.  I would rather not have anything obstructing or hiding the growth of cancer.  Heck,  I live with five boys, I had no probable being flat chested for once in my life and just “hangin’ with the boys”!  lol  Just do the bilateral mastectomy.  I have a silver platter that was given to me for our wedding that I have never used.  I’m giving it to my doc and have asked that he serve me the twins on the platter…..me and my kids are going to give them a beating for betraying me.  You know, if you breast feed you reduce your risk of breast cancer.  Bahahaha, I guess being the Meadow Gold Cow for nearly 10 years wasn’t enough, but I do intend to have the last words with Posh and Tosh.

Well, instead of bad news, I was thrown a lifeline at a time when I needed it most!!  Once the original tests and labs are completed locally so treatments can begin immediately, those tests are rechecked at a bigger facility and the results usually take 2-3 months to return.  Those results were contained in the letter Dr. R was holding.  He began with the fact that he has only ever seen twice in his medical career original test results come back different.  But then again, nothing with me during this process has been by the book.  Everything said or thought has come back opposite of what all the docs predicted.  Why should they have thought any differently now.  Well…. I now no longer have the diagnosis of triple negative breast cancer!!!!  I am still negative for the ER-/PR-, but POSITIVE for the HER2 factor.  This is seriously awesome news for me as my prognosis in winning this battle has just taken a giant leap up the ladder!  I now have another option in fighting basically.  After my surgery and radiation, I will have to continue coming back to the chemo room (yes, where I just celebrated and told all of them I never wanted to see their faces again) for another year to get a medication called Herceptin every three weeks for 17 treatments.  I know, that sounds dreadful, an entire year, but hey…….if this helps keep the cancer away.  I’ll take that year if it means more time on this side of the soil!

I could tell the excitement in Dr. R’s face and it was only then that I realized just how grim my prognosis was, more than he had let on.  I had asked him several times about my prognosis for the future and he would never actually give me a number.  After all, I was a stage IV with very little options.  His response was always, “Ashley, I am in this battle with you and I’m in it to cure it and that’s all you need to worry about.”  I often told Chad how much that bugged me, for some reason I wanted a number.  He always said to me, “If you knew a number, would you fight any differently?”  Absolutely not I told him!  I was going to fight like hell whether I had a 10% chance of survival or 90%, but I may do some things differently along the way to prepare for whatever was to come like begin that journal that I should have been keeping all along, or write letters to my family, make videos for those milestones in my kids life….you get my point.  I wanted to prepare for those things you can’t just make-up in a few weeks should things not go my way.  I didn’t ever want to be caught off guard AGAIN and be unprepared.  Five kids……..that’s a lot of preparing to do.   The “vain” factor was coming into play a little bit too.  If I was going to be an actress in my own video, I sure as heck wanted to look like my kids mom.  The person they knew me to be.  I would wear my wig and be THEIR mom, not some sick, lifeless person nearing the end.  What kind of memory would that embed in their little minds.

So you see, to me……..this day is a day that I’ve been and you all have been praying for.  As he walked away from me, I said, “Hey Dr. R…….it’s not a fluke that this changed, it’s because I have an army praying and fasting for me!  I’m supposed to be here.  He just smiled, gave a wink and then left.  Chad and I looked at each other in silence.  This was the miracle we’ve been waiting for, the lifeline I was looking for and the hope that I needed to stay positive.  Lets be honest, its tough to continue to stay positive for myself and others around me when everything being put on my plate looks like crap!  Today, I received a bright yellow flower on my plate, next to the crap, that gave me strength to continue and put a smile on my face!

Shortly after the good news, Darth Vader appeared and took Chad away into a deep sleep.  I couldn’t relax, so I left and walked out and sat on the deck where the sun was shinning, I was surrounded by pots of beautiful flowers and the sounds of birds chirping.  There were no IV’s beeping, no smell of death, no loud elderly people talking nonsense to each other, just me all alone.  I thanked my father in heaven for my blessings and just sat in silence in the corner, ironically, the only place where the sun was shinning through.  It was in that moment for the first time, I felt everything was going to be okay.  I wasn’t just saying it to say it to my family or friends, this time I was actually feeling it for real.  I could feel it in my heart and I believed it for myself.  The peacefulness was interrupted all too soon by my own IV beeping, but it wasn’t because I had a kink in the line, or air in the tubing, the last drip of poison had fallen into my body and I was officially done!  I was finally freed from the needles and tubing that were extending my life!  We took some pictures with the nurses that were so amazing to me and the day was completed with a visit from a dear friend who came to lend her support.  I told her of my good news……it was then the tears came for me, for her and for Chad.  A bittersweet moment for all of us!

After I have my lousy week, I’ve got three weeks to prepare for surgery.  You will find me pretending to be a crossfitter at the gym getting some strength back.  I figure anything will help at this point, I’ve lost so much energy and need to regain what I can for a better recovery!  Don’t laugh, remember I just stepped out of the “CHEMO” room!

P.S. 

1.  I still have eyebrows, very thin, but visible.

2.  I still have 4 tiny eyelashes hanging on the left lower eye.  By the next post, I may have to resort to the fakies. 

3.  There are only 13 days of school left.

4.  Chemotherapy is complete for at least a few months.

5.  I still look pretty healthy on the outside, give me some hair and I would have everybody fooled.

6.  We have two new chickens to go with the 9 frogs and 4 iguanas.  This could change real soon if I have a say.

7.  My mom is back after leaving me high and dry for an entire month!

5.  I’ve made some new friends that I would have never met before this experience.

6.  Race for the Cure coming up in a week!  See you there!

Do you know how many times I have heard this expression, “Bald is Beautiful”.  Seriously people, who are you kidding here.  There is nothing beautiful about being bald.  I know I have a couple of friends out there that work it, a Gramps or two and a Bishop here and there, but me……Um, nope.

It was beautiful that I was told I would lose my hair in 12 days after treatments began and I was able to keep it 17 days, not saying that I could do anything with it because it was falling out faster than my kids get cavities, but I still had hair on my head and was ME. After my second treatment, yes I am way behind on blogging, I definitely started to notice pieces coming out here and there, especially in the shower when I washed my hair.  I began not evening touching or combing it for fear of it seeing a chunks left in my hand or the brush consumed with hair.

The whole hair thing had completely consumed by thoughts and it was driving me NUTS!  I was waking up several times at night to look at my pillowcase.  After all, I had been warned by several survivors that I would wake up one morning and my pillow and bed would be covered with hair.  There is nothing more disgusting than sleeping in a bed with a bunch of loose hair.  You might as well kill me now.  Even if I didn’t turn on the light, I was beginning to hold my pillow to the side of the bed and shake it several times a night or simply flip it over.  I couldn’t believe that me, of all people, was losing sleep over losing my hair.  But I also knew that this simple phase was going to be one of the biggest hurdles to overcome and it needed to take place in order to take the next step.

After the kids left for school on Valentine’s Day, I was sitting on the couch in my pajamas.  Chad was kneeling in front of me asking what he could do to help like he does daily and Kambree was standing next to me.  I had a chunk of hair fall down in my face and Kambree grabbed it to move it back out of my eyes…….well, I probably don’t even need to say what happened next, but for those of you who are not completely awake while reading this I will.  The entire chunk of hair came right out of my head and she was left holding it in her tiny hand.  She looked at it, I looked at it, then I looked at her.  This is one time I wish I would have had a camera to catch her priceless facial expression.  She responded with AaaGGGGGGGGG, your hair just fell out Mom!  There was no denying the processing that was taking place in my life.  I look at Chad with tears in my eyes and said, “It’s time, babe…..let’s get this over with”.  It still brings tears to my eyes as I type this and I can’t believe I am wiping snot on the blanket that I just washed today!!!  Brother.  I still can’t tell you why the hair affected me this way because I would like to say that I am not a very vain person.  My hair wasn’t the thickest, most beautifully colored hair on the block.  In fact, I usually had roots (which by the way are in style right now, so that totally sucks), I always had split ends.   I would have no excuse now to getaway for a couple of hours to pamper myself and my hair.  Now how was I going to hide those zits I started to get getting along my jaw line or the ones on my forehead when I turned 35!  Betcha none of you thought of that dilemma, huh?  More than anything, though, was the fact that I, in a matter of minutes, really and truly became, SICK.  I looked sick and now others would see me as someone who was sick. Up to this point, nobody had a clue.  I was sick only in the inside and now I was sick to the outside world as well.

Chad grabbed his clippers first then his razor and I grabbed a chair to set in in our bathtub.  I held my head in my hands, looked straight down and away he went.  Chad didn’t say much during the process, I could only imagine what was going through his mind.  I cried.  Kambree on the other hand did not hold in her comments at all.   At the time I was thinking how insensitive is this 3-year-old…….did she not understand what I was going through?  But, she did make me crack a smile when she said, “AaaGGGGGGGgg, I can’t wait for my kids to see this (she calls her brothers her kids), my mom looks like a BOY!!  I can’t wait to be a mom, then I can shave my head too.”  I simply love this girl and the things that come out of her mouth.

The shaving process took a lot longer than I ever thought it would, about an hour to be exact.  After all was said and done, Chad said look at me and I just couldn’t.  I couldn’t look at my best friend and see the horror on his face.  His “Sunshine” of so many years, sitting in an empty tub, bald, crying and an absolute mess.  This was a Valentine’s gift he will never soon forget, I bet.  I asked if he would leave me alone for awhile while I tried to pull myself together and he and Kambree left.  I sat there feeling empty for a few minutes and then decided that I had to buck it up and get over this and quick.  You see, I had a date to dance with my 10-year-old at his school in 30 minutes.  Boy, was this going to be a shocker to him.  The kids had no idea what had taken place and to be honest, I intended on having them all be a part of the shaving “party”, but when it came down to it, I was the one who wasn’t ready.

I got in the shower, got dressed, put my make-up on, and tried on a few different hats…….all in less than 25 minutes!!!  Holy crap, let me say that again, I had just gotten ready in 25 minutes.  Hey, this was pretty cool.  Chad didn’t think I would go and when I called him to tell him I was on my way to the school, I think he was a little shocked.  Afterall, he hadn’t see my yet and who shaves their head and then goes to an elementary school to a party?

I walked in to a couple of really good friends waiting and saving me a seat along side Chad, all of whom said how great I looked, but really…..what are they supposed to say, AaaGGGG you look like a boy?  Haha  It’s what happened next that turned everything around for me.  I sat down and within seconds Kaige spotted me.  He smiled and then started walking towards me.  The horrible mother in me, started to say to herself, “On my gosh, he’s coming over, he’s going to rip my hat off to see if I really did it in front of all of these kids!”  As Kaige got closer and closer, I started to shake my head back and forth like don’t you dare touch this hat if you know what’s good for you boy.  He arrived, leaned over and gave his mamma the biggest hug and said, I’m glad you could make it mom…..you look beautiful and walked back to his dancing partner.  Seriously?  Who does that?  Needless to say, he brought tears to my eyes.  It was then I knew, if my kids could accept this and be adult about it, then by heck so could I.  I sat there having a sense of fulfillment that if nothing else, I had raised this child to be a respectful and kind human being.  If things didn’t work out in my favor, I could move on to my next assignment knowing that I had raised my children to be good people and that brought a lot of calmness to my heavy heart at that moment. 

Kaige danced with several girls showing off the dances they had learned throughout the year and then the last dance belonged to me.  He came and took my hand and we walked out onto the gym floor and danced together.  I love this child of mine and the young man he is growing up to be.  Here are a couple of pictures.  My very first picture with no hair.  I was a nut and wouldn’t allow the camera to be present during my hair appointment with Chad, silly I know. 

P.S.  Since I am blogging about this particular time nearly a month and a half later, I wanted to let you know about all the positive things about being bald….and no, beautiful is still not on my list.

1.  You can do some serious saving both on water and hair care products.

2.  My time to get ready in the mornings has been cut down to a 1/3 of the time.  I can even beat Chad getting ready.

3.  I’ve had the opportunity of showing Chad what it is like to kiss an unshaven face…He let me rub my head on his face to feel the prickies, resulting in me cutting his lip.  lol

4.  I can go into a dressing room to try on clothes and come out looking exactly the same way, no longer do I have static electricity or look as those I had just had a cat fight with the neighborhood stray cats.

5.  No more nighttime ponytails that make your head feel so sore in the mornings.

6.  When the wind blows, well……the wind blows and that’s it. 

7.  My bathroom counter has been able to stay clean because I don’t have all the cords from blow dryers and curling irons sitting out all the time. 

8.  And sometimes it’s just plain fun to mess with the kids and scare them.  I’m thinking that come Halloween time, I’m either going to be the coolest character from Avatar or the newest James Bond girlfriend if I can work on my accent and continue to lose weight.  My goal is the tight leather pants. 

9.  All meals, not just Sunday dinner, will be hair-free.  Your Welcome kids.

10.  Hair and is just that……HAIR.  It grows back in time, but for now…..I’m cool with the hats and scarfs. 

So this new chemo is NASTY!  Have I ever said how much I hate seeing Ashley in pain?  It is horrible to watch some one you love and admire go through some of the most nastiest stuff out there, and not being able to do anything about it.  I know it is all part of the process.  I guess the old adage is true…No Pain No Gain!.  As Ash would say “At least I know it is working. If it’s kicking the trash out of me its gotta be killing this damn cancer”.   Today is the 5th day after her first dose of this second round of poison. She is dealing with some bad side effects.  Right now her bones, joints and most of all her feet are taking the worst of it.  Today she appeared a little better so hopefully she is through the worst of it and the next few days will be seeing her on her feet and kicking some trash.

A quick funny story… I have always taught my boyz to be tuff, not to cry and to never wear girly looking things…especially pink. It was just the man teaching boys how to be men, or so I thought.  My older boys and I always have late night talks discussing all kinds of things.  I love this time.  We have the best of talks.  Well the other night we were talking about the early days in High School with Ash and I suddenly got emotional.  After all the tears were over, They both pointed out that I was in my pink shirt and that I was crying.  Wow!  My two older boys quickly reminded me of how very wrong I was and how things have changed with pink, crying and being a different kind of tuff! My oldest reminded me that we are still tuff, but that other stuff with crying and pink..yeah, your pink wearing army is alive and well..We love you Ash!

As many of you know, Ash finished her first full round of chemo last week and we were to get another PET Scan on the following Monday.  Well Monday March 19 came and we headed in for the scan.  As I entered the waiting room and said goodbye to Ash for a few hours, I sat in that waiting room, in the very same place I did a few months back when this whole journey started.  I reflected on all the things that have happened since then.  I suddenly got very emotional and had that lump in my throat, (you know the one that us guys get when we try to be tough and hold it all in and hide our emotions so we can appear tough?) Well It was too strong to hold in. It just came out and I let it. The people in the waiting room probably thought I was a crazy dude, but I did not care. This was strange. It was not a feeling of sorrow however, It was a feeling of gratitude.  I could feel the support and prayers of the many angels that have been with us through out this journey. Yes, all of you are those Angels. Your prayers for Ash, your faith, your hope and your love does not go unnoticed. And for that, I thank you.

The PET scan took about 4 hours, but before I knew it we were done.  We of course had to wait another day to find out the results.  I can tell you that Monday and Monday night for us were filled with tons of anxiety and a little fear to say the least.  Well finally Tuesday came and it was time to meet with our Doc to find out the results. When Ash feels better, I will let her go into details on the results, but in short; HOORAY!!!!!  The tumors are shrinking, some tumors are even gone. We are not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot, but the chemo is working.  It is also taking its toll on Ash, but she is tough and doing good.

Moving forward – The Doctors have decided to continue with a second round of chemo. This will be done with some different doses. From what I understand it is deeper and effects the bones and joints.  This round will last another two months and we will continue every other week.  After completed, we will get another PET scan and then surgery followed by some radiation.

Ash will probably get upset and take this photo down, but here is a pic of her at Kashton’s Birthday.  I think she looks so good.  I love all the scarfs.  She rocks the look!

Lately the red devil and all that other nasty poison has taken its toll on Ash. Whenever she has an ounce of energy it usually gets used up pretty quick.  I know it has been a while since her last post so I wanted to shoot out a quick update of where things are.

A few weeks back we had a very successful garage/bake sale that was put on by our current ward and old ward, as well as some very true and sincere friends. There are so many people to thank for their efforts on that day and beyond, I could not attempt to list them for fear of leaving some one off. But you know who you are.  Seriously, we have been  so amazed by the Christ like service that is being done all around us.  We are truly blessed to know and associate with such great people in our lives.  Thank you all for the prayers, texts, phone calls and visits!  We are so lucky to have so many warriors on the battlefield fighting this cancer with us.  It gives us great strength.

So today, here I am sitting here watching Ash as she takes the last drops of chemo for 5th hour and the last time for today. This completes our first round. Are we done?…NO! Not by a long shot. But this is a good way to track the progress.  We saw our Doctor this morning and he told us that after this round is over we have a week and a half and Ash will get a PET scan to see how good we are beating this cancer.  We are very optimistic and faithful that the results will come back in our favor.  The plan after we see good results from the PET Scan will be surgery, followed by more chemo, followed by some radiation, so we still have a ways to go. However, I know that if we continue to feed our faith our fears will eventually starve to death. When you really stop and think about it all, in life we really have two choices, give up…or fight like hell! And guess what?  We choose to fight like hell!  I am so grateful that Ash is the person she is. People often tell me that I married up and honestly I know I did.  She is way out of my league. I am so lucky to have her.    What amazes me the most…still to this day she has not lost her faith, she remains spunky, feisty and positive, even on the worst of days when I see her so sick, she NEVER complains. She just takes it in stride.  I have one amazing woman!   Love ya Sunshine.

Hearing someone tell you that you have Caner isn’t good news.  It sucks, its a diagnosis, but it isn’t the end of your life either unless….YOU choose to stop living it.  I’ve tried to find the humor and goodness in this minor problem that I have and that is what gets me through each day.  You’ve read that Chad calls me “Sunshine”, well each day it’s like searching the storm clouds for that rainbow when the sun comes out again.  Even in the midst of the storm I’m in right now, there are more than an abundant amount of blessings to be found.  We’ve had blessings poured around us for nearly two months and it’s been surreal.

Today is my second treatment out of eight.  Most people dread going to Chemotherapy, some can’t even drive by the hospital on their off days.  I, however strange it may seem, actually look forward to chemo.  This particular morning was filled with doctor’s visits and lab work that all had to be completed before I could get the chemo.  Most everybody I came in contact with were shocked to see that I still had my hair with the heavy regime they have me on.   I would smile and simply say that this would be one of many times they would see this chickadee defy the odds.  I pretty much have no place to go but up.  I told them once and I will keep telling them every time I see them that Mr. or Mrs. C has messed with the wrong gal.

My labs looked rather divine as well.  Doctor R. said if someone where to look at my labs, nobody would be able to tell that I was sick or currently on chemotherapy.  The labs show that I am a healthy girl with the exception of one simple lab….the CEA, which is the cancer marker.  My immune system was at a 5.9 before I began treatment and after chemo, it was a 6.4!!!!  What in the world….my immune system is healthier after chemo than before??  Now that’s some crazy stuff.  Part of that we know is due to the shot I have to go back in the day after chemo to get, but I would like to say the other 90% is as a result of myself and all of you who are praying for me daily.  We do know all of those levels will slowly change with time and each beating my body takes, but my doctor was very excited at how well I did through the first treatment and the simple fact that we didn’t need to change anything.  We were going to move ahead full steam and continue attaching the evilness that invaded my body without permission.   We discussed the Avastin drug as well since we received the second denial from my insurance company denying coverage.  Doctor R. flat out said he wasn’t sure if the hospital would be allow him to give it to me or not because of the cost and the fact that they up-fronted the cost for the first dose two weeks ago hoping to get reimbursed from my insurance.  I was thinking, are you serious????  You may not give me something you said I need to  beat this cancer?   I had tears in my eyes as I said to him…….YOU need to give this drug to me, I NEED to have it.  If this hospital wants me to write out a check for this drug right now, then I was prepared and willing to do it.  It’s not everyday (or any day)that I can say, here….let me write you an $11,000 check.  But you know why I was prepared to do that, right??  It’s because of all of you out there, my friends and family who have been so selfishly working hard on fundraising for me.  It felt so good to say, give it to me, WE can pay.  I say we because it is because of you (my readers) all that I was in a position to tell the doc give it to me.

After seeing my oncologist, Dr. R, it was then time for me to get the good stuff, the stuff that’s going to save my life.   This has become my quiet time to spend with this F.I.N.E. lookin’ fella.

Our lives were crazy busy before my diagnosis and sometimes I think it’s even more busy now.  The treatment room is now a place to come where I find some sort of peace.  There are no signs of the crazy world thats just outside the walls.  Chad and I found our usual spot in the back corner (because I still have hair and therefore still considered a “newby”).  We get comfy and he covers me with one of my “special” blankets that have been either made or bought with love and given to me just for this purpose.  I think of the person who gave me the blanket and am again reminded of just how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life.

The nurse comes, finds my port, and then it all begins.  Chad and I have nearly four hours to ourselves to just talk, hold hands, make fun of each other, see who can take the worst picture of each other and then eventually Darth Vader enters the scene.  You see, it doesn’t take long before Chad is out like a light and I get to listen to him snore, which is hauntingly similar to the sound that Darth Vader makes when breathing!!  One of these days I’m going to have him checked out.  I don’t mind that he drifts off, he’s funny to look at while sleeping, but more than that, I’m enjoying a closer relationship with the one who’s making this journey with me, sitting beside me in the next chemo chair.   As he gets his beauty sleep, I want try to nap myself, but unfortunately I’m been unable to relax enough to make that happen.

I try desperately to get comfortable in my “Lazy Boy” recliner and end up starring for hours at these two feet that have carried me through the 36 years of my life.  So many miles these two feet and 10 toes have put on, very fun miles.  My mind wondered back to my high school years.  I save cards during the week from my high school friends and then read them and their words of encouragement during my treatments.  They make me laugh, they make me cry and they make me thing of the crazy times I’ve shared with people.  They often bring up funny memories they’ve had with me and my gosh…..there have been a lot of them.  Chad and I have often joked about our life together and we could probably write quite a comical book together of all we’ve been through.  It’s a good thing I will be the one who will be bald because if you look closely at Chad’s face/head, you will see several “love marks” or most would call them scars.  Those are all marks that are as a result of him running through the dark field outside my house.  He would always come to my window at night and we would chat and hold fingers, not hands,  through a torn part of the screen.  We just wanted to be touching and fingers were always safe.  haha   My parents always seemed to come home earlier than they would tell us, or maybe that was really the plan, cause Chad would have to bail and take off running through the bushes.   My father had instilled “fear” in Chad and when he would take off running there was no turning back, which resulted in him running head on into a few trees and even a barb-wired fence a time or two during our dating years.  LOL  In reality, his head looks as if he had been to war and back, but then again…..if you know my father it’s sort of the same thing!  (Love you dad!)

If I’m not looking down, then I”m looking up at this beautiful piece of art work.  This is the source of my inability to relax and take a cat nap.  I sit and watch drip by drip this deadly poison run down the tubes and straight into my chest…..drip, drip, drip.  At first I taste the salty saline solution, then the headache hits, followed by the yummy taste of metal.  I promise I don’t have a nail, screw, or a piece of money in my mouth to cause this taste.  You haven’t seen me on the show “My Strange Addictions” either.  However, I highly recommend you watch an episode or two.  I don’t qualify as that kind of crazy yet!  As I lay there, I just have to keep reminding myself that although this is some of the deadliest crap I will ever put in my body, I know I need it to save my life.  My feet have so many more miles left to give on his earth and I know my kids need and want my feet around to give them a good kick in the butt (okay love tap) when they’re out of line.  I look forward to being able to special order shoes that have an 3-inch thick soles on them and only come in black and brown.  I will top off those stylish shoes with nylons rolled into a doughnut worn just above the ankle.

Before you know it, I look at the clock, realize I didn’t get any beauty rest, Darth Vader is still breathing, I don’t have any Thank You cards written, I didn’t update the blog, but I reassured myself of one very big To-Do on my list this day and every day moving forward.  It’s as simple as this…..”Don’t wrestle, just nestle”.  God gather’s us under His wings as a hen gathers her chicks for protection and rest.  My part is to just rest in the loving arms of God and nestle.  I felt his loving arms around me holding me tight the day I walked into that doctor’s office and he hasn’t let me go since.  It’s a feeling I wish you all could feel, yet wouldn’t wish this upon any of you either.  People will often say, “I’m so sorry”.  It’s awkward for me and I say back, it’s okay……..well gosh darnit, the situation is NOT okay by a long shot…………but do want you to know THAT I AM OKAY because He gives us no more than He give us the strength to bear.  I just wish He didn’t have so much confidence in me!!

So, I knew the “Hair” day was fast approaching.  Isn’t it funny that we can handle the diagnosis of Cancer, but the thought of losing your hair is almost too much to bear!!  After my first chemo treatment the nurse said I had approximately 12 days before my hair would give way.  I asked why so quickly, I figured I would have at least three weeks or so to prepare.  She said the docs were not messing around with your disease and were attaching it pretty aggressively and heavily that my hair would have no fighting chance to stay any longer.  

It was almost immediately after my first treatment that I began to notice a difference in my hair.  It just felt like the life had been sucked right out of it.  Kind of the way I felt when Dr. Winch let me know what I was dealing with.  It was as if my hair just didn’t want to do anything anymore.   If I didn’t know better I would say that my hair started acting like it was depressed or something.  I even tried a better shampoo trying to perk it up a little, but to no avail.

As I counted down the days and as more and more hair began to fall out, I decided to at least cut it shorter than it was.  In my mind I thought a pixy-type cut, but when it came right down to it, I just couldn’t go that short…not yet anyway.    Baby steps, right? 

So, this is the end result after my hair dresser, Amanda, took her tools to it.  The title for my post was taken from her mirror and I thought it was quite fitting for the situation I’m in.  Miracles Occur in Heaven, Not In The Stylist Chair.  Amen to that people!

Honestly, I was kind of bummed that I didn’t cut it sooner.  I’m giving some kind of weird smile here, but overall I quite liked the look and was sad that it would only last a few days.  The best part of the whole day was that I got the thumbs up from my little family, all of whom are not afraid to tell you what they really think!

Dash n’ Cash for Ash

My Hometown, Grantsville

Saturday, February 4th 2012

Can I just start off by saying what an awesome week we’ve had!  I continue to stand in awe at the generosity and thoughtfulness of people.  You know it’s a good day when you can go to the mail each day and actually have more cards from people wishing me well, than medical bills!! Chad and I were both raised in a small hometown called Granstville, Home of the Grantsville Cowboys.  Being from a small town can have both advantages and disadvantages.  This past weekend, I witnessed a very big advantage of what being a “part” of a hometown really means. To me it means rallying around one of your own for whatever cause and doing it 100%.

We have two very special people in our lives.  Chad’s Aunt Kathy and Kenna.  These two ladies are nothing short of AMAZING!  They decided they wanted do a fundraising event on my behalf and in less than a week, Dash n’ Cash for Ash was born. 

Not living close to us where they felt they could be hands on, they knew this was a way where they and our extended family to get involved and help.  They sent out a call for help and the people who live in Grantsville responded to that call.  A small idea from two ladies spiraled into an event that I will never forget.  As I watched this past week unfold and saw how many people and businesses were jumping on board to help…..not just for the girl in the picture, but also simply for the cause; I prayed I would feel good enough to make the trip up north to be a part of something so neat. Saturday morning came and as I laid in bed with my eyes wide open, I said to Chad……it’s gunna be a GREAT day babe.  Let’s load the kids up and go. 

As usual, Chad sped and as usual, Chad got pulled over in Enoch.  I honestly think he should get a street named in his honor, after all we have contributed to this fine city enough in fees to most likely purchase our own street.  lol  It’s now just a part of our routine, like stopping and getting gas and potty breaks.  A trip home just wouldn’t be complete without a nice chat from a member of Iron County’s “Elite” Police Academy.  If you know Chad, he has the worst luck of anybody when it comes to speeding tickets.  Well, remember I said that morning it was gunna be a good day, right?  Well, it still was……….Chad was given a warning.  I promise, you read that right, a WARNING…the first warning offered to him in his entire existence upon this earth.  He has never gotten off of a ticket and there was no pleading involved this time.  The guy was just a nice guy that was feeling a little giving I guess.  For this reason, Officer Richards gets a shout out from me on my blog!!  Woot Woot! 

We continued on our way and finally made it to Grantsville.  We got out of the car, Chad took my hand and our kids gathered around us.  We began walking down the parking lot, rounded the corner and what I saw and experienced next will truely be one of the best days of my life!  It was surreal.  I kept looking around at all the people and for a brief moment wondered if I had just won American Idol or something.  I just had no idea how many people cared about a girl…….a girl who moved away after graduating from high school way back in 1993.  They came for ME…. 

Little boys dropped baggies full of their coins in the donation box that had initially been saved for toys.  When asked if they were sure this was what they wanted to do, the reply was simple…..”Mommy, your friend needs it more than the Legoman.”  The unselfish love that I witnessed will forever be a part of my heart.  It’s times like these, knowing you have so many people praying for you and standing behind you to hold you up and you can’t stand on your own, that gives you the energy to keep fighting when you feel like you just can’t anymore.  I LOVE Grantsville…the town and the people who live there.  Just how cool was February 4th?  There is no better word than simply AMAZING! 

Kenna and Kathy, you are the absolute best!  You have always taken Chad under your wings and showed him unconditional love throughout his life.  I’m so blessed to be on the receiving end of that love you show to him.  Thank you for giving of yourself and putting this fundraiser together.  You taught my children what the word “‘Compassion” means, which will have a rippling effect in their lives.  To the rest of my family and friends who also pitched in to help, I love each and every one of you and thank you from the bottom of my heart.  It seems a little weird to say the word lucky and my name in the same sentence, but I want you to know…..I am seriously one LUCKY girl!  Thank you!

I’ve almost hit the week mark since my first Chemo treatment last Friday.  Hanging in there so far coping with the ups and downs that such poison brings.   My mind has been going in so many directions with so many thoughts that at times I drive myself crazy.  It’s gotta be only natural to have that pity thought come through ones mind when trials come up in life that are almost unfathomable.

Why me? Why now? What did I do to deserve this?

I’m going to be honest with you here and say I haven’t had those thoughts exactly, but I have said……

I’m 36, what the crap!  I am healthy, absolutely no risk factors, no direct family history!  Are you serious?

I have ran scenerios over and over in my mind and all I can come up with is not Why Me, but rather Why Not Me?   I’ve expressed to Chad before this whole process began that I don’t think I could stand to watch either of my parents become ill, for whatever reason, I just couldn’t.  It would drive me nuts living so far away and feeling helpless in their caretaking.  I also know that as you become older it is a tad bit harder to fight off such horrible diseases, its just the facts.   My parents are such a HUGE part of my life and I just couldn’t handle seeing them go through something like this.

My thoughts then think of my babies…….Kaeson, Kaige, Ky, Kash and Kambree.  I learned real quick as I worked at Primary Children’s, then becoming a mother myself, how heartbreaking it is to see a child suffer…..make that child your own and it’s a whole new ballgame.  I would give up my own life, do whatever it took if it meant I could take away the pain from one of my kids.  To be helpless is just pure torture to say the least.

I then think of my best friend and partner in life, Chad. 

He is the rock that holds this family together, the best father to our children, as well as a father figure to many other youth here in St. George.  My kids would be lost without him and quite frankly, so would I.  We have spent more than half of our lives together thus far.  When you have a best friend in life, you do everything and anything to protect them from harm or sorrow.  That’s what friends are for, right?  So, whose left……ME!  If you know anything about me, I’m not a quiet chick by any means, except in church when it is required.  I can be feisty if needed, will speak what’s on my mind and won’t hesitate to fight for something that rights, or something I want or feel is deserved.  I want desperately and deserve to be HERE with those I love……I want to pay my outrageous Direct TV bill every month, I want to do the laundry (wink, wink), I want to go to my kids SEP’s, I want to go to the dentist, I want to race with the crowds on Black Friday, even if I’m not going after anything at all.  I enjoy running with the crazy bulls and playing crash cart derby!!  I want to hang out with my friends, I want to be Chad’s Sunshine and by George, I want to raise the children that I worked so hard to get here.  If Cancer had to infect somebody in my family, well you see…..it picked EXACTLY the right person.  I am a “young” woman, 36 years of age and I won’t give up my life, my man, nor my family without a FIGHT.  Give me the Hulk Gloves people…this fight will be so worthy of a pay-per-view slot, right along with the MMA Cage fights!

I cannot end here without letting all of you know just how much your messages, text messages, cards, gifts, and hugs have meant to me the past few weeks.  I have read and re-read all the messages.  I’m not able to reply to everyone, but want you to know I have received them and am forever grateful for the words of encouragement and offers of help for myself and my family.  I have some pretty neat people in my life and that’s just what makes my life so worth fighting for. 

I love you all so much!

P.S.  Happy Thought of the Day:  My “new-do” arrived.  Couldn’t come to terms with picking it up yet, but at least its here.  I get to keep my own hair for about another week if I’m lucky!

Ash and I decided that it would be best to enroll Kash into all day kindergarten.  Not just to help her, but to help him in not always seeing her on her down days. We think that this will be easier for him to keep busy and keep his mind off of worrying.  He is such a sweet, but tough kid!   I went down to wake him up and never have I seen him so excited to go to school. He hopped out of bed and already had his clothes laid out and ready to go.  I am not even sure why, maybe it was because he was able to get up with his older brothers and go with them.  He looks up to them so much.  We had a good morning and were as quiet as we could be so Ash could sleep.   Today Ash was weak, nauseated and slept a lot.  She seemed to gain a little more strength as the day progressed.  I am so glad that her Mom is down here to help out.  Speaking of helping…Ash and I are so thankful, grateful and overwhelmed with the support that surrounds us.  It helps to know that so many people are here for us.  It gives us strength. Just the little things like prayers, taking my kids to do Valentines boxes, bringing us fruit, letters, my CrossFit family showing their support by wearing those awesome Team Ashley shirts.  Thank you all!!! – We are stronger because of all your prayers and support!